I got a big ego (ha ha ha) such a huge ego

by Sweets and Sweaters

This research paper would probably be halfway done by now if I didn’t stop every two seconds to pick my split ends.

I definitely did not get that commercial I was on hold for, which surprised me at first. I was sure I had it. Then I felt really bad about myself. “It’s because I’m too fat. They picked someone prettier. They knew I couldn’t do it” blah blah blah. Then, relief. “Good, I don’t have to face the pressure of being good on the day of filming. I might not have been able to recreate what they liked in the audition/callback anyway…”

Then, my life felt orderly again. I wasn’t sure how to cope with booking a commercial. I was like- “Whose life is this? Not my life”. In my life, I audition and never book it. In my life, casting directors don’t want me for things. In my life… good things don’t happen. (That’s meant to be funny, not pathetic and ungrateful).

                                         meh.ro10891-455x419

But now, things are back to the way that makes sense to me. I’m back from planet Almost-Succeeding-at-Things and happy to report, I feel like myself.

There is a predictability again. Or the illusion of it, anyways.

I know just how to handle everything on my plate– work, school, the odd audition  while maintaing my sense of self.

I was not sure how to manage that commercial. The possibility of it alone changed me– mostly meaning… it made me arrogant. I must not know how to take a compliment because it didn’t take much to get me over thinking it all and congratulating myself on being awesome.

This scared me.

I didn’t realize how delicate humility is.

I wanted to feel the same way I always do, but I depend on suffering to give me my earthy charm 😉

I can see how this dependency on suffering could run me ragged and I intend to learn to accept successes… But I do find it surprising (and concerning) how little it took for my ego to flare up and numb out my humanity (A gross, gross feeling),

But somehow not getting that commercial brought me back to myself… I mean… Everything I do is ‘myself,’ but the self that feels true.

So what have we discovered this time? I have an ego ready to race out of the gates as soon as opportunity presents itself.

Charming. Don’t ya think?

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