From 0 to 60 in 500 Words/ It’s a Long One
by Sweets and Sweaters
Preface: its long, it starts as one thing, and becomes something totally different.
Oops I said I wasn’t going to complain but that’s all I want to do! I am so tired, but sleep won’t help because I have so much to do every day all the time. And I’m blogging? I’m blogging because my work for the day is done. I have things to do, but they’re not school or work so they don’t count. I’m so fucking miserable I am tired and i don’t even want toget up and pee right now. there is hair all over my sweater because i’ve been pulling it out for hours and i don’t even want to make punctuation or capitalize my i’s because it’s too much work. i’m laying back and not even looking at the screen as i write this. why don’t i’s automatically capitalize like on my phone. am i making typos? i don’t care. i am so tired and i want to sleep and i wish i didnt have anything to do at alll wah wah wah
why don’t i want to move?
why do i want to be dead? dead sounds good. dead sounds perfect. dead is stillness. it is rest. it is peace. it’s blackness or whiteness. it’s nothing but its everything i want.
am i depressed? probably yes my therapist told me that but i don’t like to call myself that. i just want to be dead that’s all. who wouldn’t? it sounds great.
i’m gonna complain but i’m not gonna post this on facebook. i’m just gonna post it and pretend it didnt happen but i need to share how i really feel which is tired.
i’m frustrated because i’m not happy either way. not busy or lazy. with lazy there’s still worry, there’s still anxiety and desire. with busy there is those things, too. with death there is not. i don’t think so anyway. not the kind of death i want.
i’m not gonna kill myself. its not like that, but if i could just slip away i would. if i could fade into nothing, i would.
one time i was so low and so tired that i wished i didn’t have to breathe because it took too much energy.
this is probably the most vulnerable thing i could share because what’s likely to follow is concern and judgment and advice from other people but i don’t want any of those things. i want to be honest- that i would rather not live than live and i’ve felt like this for years.
since that fucking car accident. that anniversary is this month. is it because trauma like that ages a person? is it because i have unresolved issues from the accident that are draining my energy day and night? maybe i was supposed to die that day and some part of me wishes i would have. why don’t things just go away?
the second part of my life started that day and i felt like i had to rush to get over it. my friends at the time didn’t understand. i felt like they were sick of hearing about it, they never could comprehend what that must have been like, i watched one zone out when i described it and eventually it created a wedge in our relationships. i didn’t feel understood. i couldn’t be my new self around them. i felt like they wanted me to hurry up and be the way i was. but i couldn’t. and if that’s true- fuck you guys because you didn’t understand. i got hit by a tow truck on the freeway. the car i was sitting in with my mom, sister and grandma flipped and rolled over and over again. i didn’t know when it would stop.
my body still hurts. my anxiety still spikes in the car. my sisters back still hurts. how dare anyone suggest i move on sooner than what’s natural. i can be honest about it now. i’m not over that shit. i don’t even think i’ve begun to understand the significance of it. it changed my life in the biggest way and i have never had the courage to look at it. i’ve been too busy trying to suppress it for the sake of being able to keep my friends. the unavoidable truth was, i wasn’t like them anymore. i’d had something happen to me they hadn’t. in a day, i aged. in a day, i learned about the uncertainty of life. i learned that no one is exempt from the unexpected. no one is entitled to not suffer. no one is entitled to a safe drive home. no one is entitled to another day of life as it is. i learned i am no different. i learned shit happens and it happens to me, too. i learned i am not special. i learned that compassion and gentleness is gods greatest gift. i
never have i been more vulnerable than in the two minutes or so when that car was flipping. i didn’t know what was happening. i didn’t know if it was really happening- “am i dreaming? is this really happening? this wasnt part of the plan today.”
this is another important place of reference for me in understanding myself. without that accident there’s no way i would be who i am today. i will dedicate more time to sharing about this. i think it will really make a difference for me.
and its interesting, as i started writing about the accident, i started getting some energy back in my body. maybe it has been draining on me more than i realize.