Coffee is the Answer. I Get it Now.

by Sweets and Sweaters

I spent the last two hours shoving rash cream up a four year olds ass. What do you do for money?

I’m overworked and underslept. I’m too busy to buy toothpaste. I ate frozen grapes and two spoonfuls of peanut butter for dinner. But oh I am not complaining. This is what I wanted. I was a lady of leisure two months ago. No job. (I now have two). No auditions (I now do). No required brain activity (Now a college student). No mandatory waking hours (5:30 am alarm clock). No real fun (Improv class).

But here’s why I won’t complain about it. (Whining in my head or to my mom doesn’t count). I was wasting away in my parents house. (Still there just not quite wasting away).  I didn’t want to be anywhere but dead bed. Bed is still my happy place. I lay down and literally smile. Except now when I get into bed- I earned that shit. I’m not saying my life is better. It’s so not.  Busy-ness is not purpose or fulfillment- it’s just busy.

The surprising thing, though, is that I can do it. That I can survive when I haven’t slept for ten hours. That I can have several consecutive late night to early mornings and not die.  That I never thought coffee worked, but my last few mornings have taught me it does. I didn’t know I could consider 8am sleeping in, or 10pm too late to be getting home. In weeks my life has been flipped upside down punched in the face, kicked to the floor and cried for its mommy.

While busy-ness is not magical, it is manageable and I didn’t think it would be. And it beats that slow dying but not dying feeling that comes from not having anywhere to be.

Now I just have minor nervous breakdowns every eight hours.

How could one argue which life is better? You can’t because they both blow.

But I know from experience having nothing to do is not the key to peace. I also know that being busy is not the key to fulfillment and that’s why I won’t complain about my new circumstances. I created this busy-ness when I was a lady of leisure because I didn’t want to spend my life wishing away activity. I wanted to learn how to cope with leaving my bed. So here I am. Every day. Getting out of bed and staying out of bed for many hours. Kudos to me. And coffee.