I Don’t Care, I Love it
by Sweets and Sweaters
Feeling thrown off center today. Over and over again.
First class discussion. Did I talk too much? Did I say anything smart or worthwhile? My classmates will never like me. I’m a goodie goodie.
Volunteering. I told my patient I loved her. She didn’t say it back this time. Just thanked me. I wasn’t enough today. Not worth loving back today. “Try to be okay with that, try to love alone,” I tell myself.
Another audition. Third this week. Another skinny girl. More inferior feelings.
I was told to look young, pale and dull. I got there looking and feeling like all those things. Everyone else looked put together and vibrant.
I felt myself shrink into nothing and expand to twice my size again. Again, I was the fattest and least desirable. Im worthless, again.
The audition felt long and how it was received, impossible to gage. Was I good? Was I terrible? Were you fooled? Could you tell I didn’t fully comprehend the concept at hand?
I walked out and put it all behind me. So what if I wasn’t good? I can’t always be good. So what if I’m not what they’re looking for? I can only be what I am. Am I wrong to be so flippant about this? Should I be trying harder to be what I’m not? Should I be feeling worse that I wasn’t perfect?
Why? Because there is a place for my strengths. There are roles for my abilities. Everything else does not belong to me.
I know this, but I struggle with not being meant for everything. It’s hard to not be perfect, but today I was better at not trying to be, pretending to be or needing others to see me as such.
“I yam that I yam and that’s all that I yam.”
And for some roles, some people that is not enough. For some, I’m exactly what they’re looking for.
I think of our friend Jessica Lange. “I’ve never been a sunny personality,” she says. But her depth, complexity and tendency to be withdrawn is the perfect storm making her work what it is. Groundbreaking.
I’m not saying I’m Jessica Lange. I’m saying, there’s use for all of our imperfections.
So what I may be discovering is– not being enough to everyone may be one of our greatest gifts.
It means when we know who we are, we know who we belong to and who we do not.
That’s what I think about it today, anyway.