Enough? Not Enough?
by Sweets and Sweaters
I was faced with my fear yesterday at a meet and greet with a local casting director. I stood waiting with dozens of actors for our moment with her. I walked in feeling good, then I started over thinking it. “I wasn’t expecting there to be people in the room with us. Keep cool. You know who you are. Be charming, yet chill. Don’t try too hard, but do something bold so you stand out… Talk to your fellow actors. Be sociable. No, I don’t want to. That will seem in genuine. Also I’m the fattest one here. Does my hair look okay? Walk to the mirror like you’re a cool person. Is that guy checking me out? Be yourself when you get up to meet her. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be fake or needy of approval.”
It went on like this until the root of this noise surfaced, silencing everything. One clear thought. “What if I am not good enough for her?”
I felt raw.
Like someone peeled away a layer of my chest.
What if I am not enough?
What. if. I. am. not. enough. ?.
But I can’t be anything more. If that isn’t enough… I… I have nothing more.
It’s the question that sits in my gut all the time. If I ever let myself sit raw in that question, I would never stop weeping.
What if I am not enough? I can’t move on from the question. What if I am not enough?
In face of any person, I ask. In any audition, I ask. Before I take action, I ask. Alone, I ask.
I wanted to put the protective layer back over my chest and pretend I hadn’t heard the question.
My moment with her came. I answered her questions without looking her in the eyes. I pretended to be myself and left knowing I was just one of a hundred passing faces she saw today. It was over in two minutes, but my question sits.
Here, I begin. In the tootsie roll center of the most vulnerable question I hold.